Struggling

I have not been faithful posting here. My life being the train headed towards the derailment that it is, is just to insane. I don't know if mom or one of the kids will be calling me away or side tracking me.

I need to confess. I try to walk the walk when it comes to dealing with my family but I feel like I am loosing it. My husband can't figure out why I cry so much but I hear him gripe about my mother, my mother gripes about everything while sitting on her throne chain smoking.

To help level me out I need silence, mom on the other hand has to have background noise on all the time. I try to follow the commandments but she makes it hard. "Honor thy mother and thy father.''
Well mom makes sure that I earn that badge. She won't be quiet, she won't be nice and she chain smokes. I am allergic to smoke so that makes her smoke more.

Last year when she was going through the cancer I was the one that would get up at 3 or 4 to take her to MD Anderson. I would get home by 11 if I was lucky. The next day I would look like the zombie that I felt like at work.

My sister took her a couple of times when I forced the issue but taking care of an elderly parent is hard. I uprooted my family to move in to take care of her and help her, financially and medically. I just wish she could appreciate the sacrifice that Chris and I have made to help her.

I dream of having my own home, a space where everyone could spread out and a place where I can sit on a couch and talk on the phone. Not hide in the bathroom just trying to hold a conversation. We are paying off debt but its slow because as soon as we pay something off hubs has to charge something.

I guess I am writing today to get out some of my frustration, sadness and general downer mood.

Lord help me find joy again.