Christmas time

I've tried writing this post before but I fell short. I was going to talk about the stress of the season about how I think everyone has lost focused and how mom and Chris are fighting when I stop....

This isn't about I this or I that, I don't matter...It's about I AM.

As we are in the midst of the season we recognize as Christ's birth, some of us wonder what Mary must have felt like, what did she have to endure to bring Him in to the world? Had she and Joseph started their Journey for the census that brought them back to Bethlehem yet? The way she suffered as a mother, she had to have been a strong woman because the majority of women couldn't survive watching their child get tortured.

Did Jesus realize just what a precious gift to the world he was, the moment he could vocalize or was He groomed to be the savior of the world?

Some of us think about what He endured for us, He gave us life.... His life to be exact. we might see what He must have endured for us(Thank you 'The Passion of The Christ') all of our ugly sin tattooed in to His skin with the lashes so that we can live. We don't deserve that kind of Grace. Yet He gave us life. This is the season that starts with a sweet child, born modestly but is greater than everything that was, is or will be.
A child born that the magi read in the stars about.
A child that they would deceive their king for.

A small child, that grew up to be a man, who saved the world.
He became hands down the most known man on Earth, whether you believe in Him or not.

A man so controversial that people have died a martyrs death to spread the word.

A man whom we owe our lives to and who we celebrate every December 25th. A man who entered my dreams and gave me His name before I had even heard it. YHWH.
A man so beautiful He takes my breath away.

Jesus...

I will be praying on December 25th, praying praises for Jesus. I owe my life, love and soul to Him .

Thank You for the Gift so precious that all the tears ever shed would be a drop in the bucket for the price He paid for us.

Tonight

Tonight, I walked out side and just had one of those magical moments. It was a gloriously crisp quiet(a rarity on my street) night. The sky was crystal clear, the moon lit the landscape with its silvery glow, the stars sparkled on the violet velvet sky. When it gets that beautiful and that stillness outside sparks that stillness inside of me, I am humbled.
 
 My first thought was 'Lord, thank You for this beautiful moment.' The clean fresh air enters my lungs as I breath deeply and look around, it is so bright that I can walk uninhibited out in to the lot. The whole time I am praying and thankful, even though I am in the middle of the town I live in, walking around in the yard, I feel I am in a private place with God. My mind wonders while I pray(I am a bit ADD I think) Sometimes I think of what it will be like when we are face to face. Sometimes I think about the mistakes I've made and how thankful I am that even though I have a hard time forgiving myself, God is faithful and forgives me when I ask Him and sometimes, just sometimes, I work on waiting, listening for Him to speak to me.

Tonight, I looked at the beautiful stars, picking out constellations, smiling at their twinkling spark and realizing how small I am and the problems I have are. In this whole big universe, I am the equivalent of a speck of sand on the ocean floor, totally forgettable and small. I think about how in the infinite universe, God looks at me, seeks me out and has a relationship with me, little ole me, the speck of sand on the bottom of the ocean floor, nondescript and buried. Sometimes I feel as if my heart will explode for the love I have for Him and the love He has for me. I very much feel like a child of His simply because of who I am in Him.  I like sitting at His feet. It gives me peace.

Looking at the Bible tonight, I found Lamentations (Actually, like a lot of scripture when I dig, it finds me.)2:19

Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord.

It makes me think of posting, which I am obviously doing. It makes me think of all the times I've poured out my heart to Him and how special these moments I have with Him are.

I get by with a little help from my friends

It's been a while since I've posted, my life has been a roller coaster. It might be a long and bumpy post.

Depression has taken hold of me. I don't know how to let it go this time around.
I've taken medicine for it because I have a problem with it, honestly the medication I was on made things so much worse. I finally told the doctor to ween me off of it because it made me crazy. So now when I get depressed God is my medicine. I start to work on my 'Thank you' notes. When things are at their worst and I am grasping at straws. I'll start the day out with 'Thank You Lord, for letting me see another day. Thank You Lord for the pretty day. Thank You Lord for allowing me this life.' That's just how I work when it comes to being depressed. I try to focus on the positive and things to be thankful and sometimes I'm so bogged down I'll just say 'Thank You for allowing me to live.' that might be the only thing I can muster due to the depression.

He is with me, I know this intellectually, but my brain short circuits and I have a hard time feeling it. I've been dealing with so much stuff, I'm back to being bogged down.

There are some people who are not being as covert as they think they are with how they feel about me. Some people that I thought were the epitome of Christianity that are being vocal about me and my children. Some people that are making me question who my real friends are and if they are my real friends, are they talking to these people? Do they agree with these people? I know that being Christian and having Christian friends doesn't keep you from the pain of relationships.  The thing is, its not just a couple of people. I go in to church and have to hear from them every Sunday from the pulpit. It's painful. I just want to cry, actually, I do.

I am thankful for the close friends that don't have know or don't deal with the people hurting me.
I'm thankful for the friends that see my heart and my intentions and know what's true. I am thankful for the friends that can talk me out of a tree(half joking) when family drama threatens to drown me. I think this depression is because of so many outside things picking at me.

Family drama, I hate it but when I get stuck in the middle of it, it makes me crazy.
Judgement of Christians I am supposed to trust. My campus pastor being one.
My mother forgot how to spell my name. I am surprised at how much that hurt.
People that dump things at the last minute in to my lap.(Thank you, Sis in law)


I will probably come back and post more when I get more settled.

Don't forget the Lord

Ever have one of those Twilight Zone moments? When several things hit you at once? Sometimes I have to have the obvious pointed out to me because I tend to not see the forest for the trees.


Deuteronomy, the last book of the Pentateuch. I have read it but this past Sunday, the message at church got to me. 'Don't forget the Lord' At the start of the sermon I prayed 'Lord, please don't ever let me forget who You are and what You have done for me.' I thought that I was done with that. I went through the dry period of my life when I left the church at 13. This sermon proved that I was not as,'done with that' as I thought.
Deu 8:12-14 spoke volumes to me. When Pastor said 'Satan tempts us when things are going good.' It's one of those things you know in the back of your mind, but for me when he said that 2 things popped in to my head.

1) I thought about those times when things were going good and I would forget to be thankful for the little things or I would be like a toddler trying to walk on my own and end up falling flat on my face because I let go of my Father a little to soon. It also hit me that while I understand that when things are bad we lean heavily on the Lord which is very obvious to me, but when things are going good I tend to teeter to the other side of the tot!
I need to be more vigilant during those times because that's when Satan slithers his way in and has an opportunity to take hold of your life without you even realizing it.

2) The earliest memory of Christian thought was when little, playing in my room I said out loud 'Lord, if being poor and having a hard life makes me closer to you, then that is what I want to be.' deep thought for such a little kid. I wonder if the sermon on Sunday was similar to the one I heard that inspired me to say that at such a young and tender age.
Thinking of that, it reminded me of how many times I let Satan have free reign over my heart and my head without even realizing it.

Thank you Lord for putting up with my shortcomings and reminding me from time to time how far I've come and how far I have to go.

Jesus In The Main Stream

Highway to Heaven, Touched by an Angel, The Passion of the Christ, Fireproof.
Those shows and movies are good Christian shows and movies. While they help bolster Christians in their daily walk they don't affect the people who are skeptic of Christians.

There are other shows and movies that openly discuss Christianity in a way that is not confrontational. I was watching Bones and I realized that while they do discuss Christian ideals, sometimes even scripture its very rare and sparingly. It shows how 'real' a Christian can be. The character 'Bones' is an empiricist and the character 'Booth' is Catholic. It opens up some interesting conversations. Today's rerun was a comment that struck me as funny. She was commenting on cajun voodoo and was marking the similarities. She says 'They have zombies, you have a man who rose from the dead after 3 days.'
Booth says emphatically, 'Jesus was NOT a ZOMBIE!' While most Christians would be offended at the conversation.(I was the first time I saw it.) I think that conversations like that are important for skeptics to actually see defenders(no matter how silly the context) of Jesus. A couple of times they quote and share scripture. I figure, aethiests, empiricists, agnostic people watch the show. Whenever they quote scripture, it plants a seed. Whenever the characters get in a debate in beliefs they see the argument. Granted the discussions are only a couple of times per season it seems but its there. If you are obvious in trying to plant the seed, it falls on fallow ground in my opinion. When you sprinkle it in it plants questions in such a way that it shakes the picture of a Christian up.

Then there is the Madea series. Those movies are shocking to a Christian heart but it shows how real life is.(In a satiric type of way) Diary of a Mad Black Woman was the first one I saw.
When they started cursing I was floored, I thought it was Christian based. The Madea series is, I would guess, is offensive to soft Christian hearts but it sprinkles Christian ideals and thoughts throughout but is so outrageous that I fully believe that a non believer would enjoy watching it. I know it helped a few people with their walk because they saw it was ok to actually be a Christian and have fun. Whether it is doing the Harlem Shuffle or laughing at the insanity. It shows that Christians are first and for most human, Christianity grows over time. Its not topical it's something that shines through. It is a spoon fed way to introduce the uneducated to the truth of the matter. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I was a child of the 80's in the worst way. I didn't go to church because the church had gotten kicked out of the SBA and that to a young teen was akin to being sent to the principles office and it scared me to death. Since my family didn't go I just faded away in the life of that church. They did things that freaked me out like record burnings and Book burning. Not all the music or books were talking about the Devil or evil things but they sure wanted them to burn. They also did protests. I heard from a friend that said she got hit in the head with a Bible because she didn't want to stop and listen to them so they grabbed her by the hair of her head and smacked her face with the Bible. Stuff like that made it so very easy to fall away.

What brought me back wasn't the Highway to Heaven type shows or movies. It was the constant sprinkling of Jesus. Shows that would sneak little snippets in when you least expect it. Movies that let you know that we are to be a light in a dark world.

I think about how different my life would have been had someone told me that Bible thumpers weren't the typical Christian.(I love the passion in those kind of people but you cannot share the word if you slam the door close before you even open your mouth, if you know what I mean)

I hope this post doesn't offend, its not its purpose. Its just something that struck me. I try not to be offensive, my focus is to glorify God and to spread his word. While its easy to be a Christian when all your friends share your beliefs, its not really an effective way to do the Great Commission. I was told it's called friendship evangelism. I am all for it and I think if a new Christian has a strong Christian friend its the best way to be a 'fisher of men'. I think its more effective in the long run because if you don't have any Christian friends or family then its easy to be like I was and just drift away.

Sebastian Bach - Skid Row

I never cared for his music even when it was the decade of hairbands. I was reading about the flooding and damaged caused by Irene and got the link to an article. His house devastated, that isn't' the reason I am doing this though. He posted that he was wondering if he should stay or go dealing with the house. He then posted something that caught my eye.

Well, God has other plans for me it seems,” he writes. “I just think He is giving me a much needed push, is all.

I think that the first part is kind of generic, something a pseudo Christian would write, but when he writes the second half and capitalizes the H in he, it makes me think there is something a bit more than just words. He acknowledges that God is in his life and is directing it.

I am sure that he is upset over his house but for him to say what he said in such a huge public way, I am impressed. His persona is not Christian, its not anti Christian either but it makes me want to dig deeper. I think people like him can make more of an impact to an out of control sinner than most Christians. I think it first shocks then slowly seeps in to ones soul when they find out that someone they admire is actually a Christian.

We are to be a light in the dark world. That means we are to go out among the sinners and stand out. I think that if he doesn't bat an eye saying what he says, he might not be the Christian he is supposed to be but he is doing something of utmost importance, He is planting the seed.

Its easy to be Christian among like minded friends, its easy to be a Christian when you volunteer.
Not so easy to be a Christian among coworkers who don't share your belief, it doesn't mean you should hide who you are it just means you are the light in their dark world.

My husband has caused people to consider their faith because he stays strong in a very hard line of work. He used to lament about how hard it was to rise above what they were doing at work. I never understood it until the death of a friend. We were at his funeral and all of his coworkers were sitting around us in church. The one that calls me 'momma' and 2 others behind us were cursing just having a normal conversation. I was very uncomfortable and praying the whole time they were talking. They said the Lords name in vain and then without taking a breath went with the Lords prayer that had started. That scared me so bad that I scooted up in my seat to have some physical separation. I then whispered an apology to Chris. He nodded because he understood that I saw what he had to deal with. Then I changed my prayers to better fit the situation.


I often look up stars or musicians to see who is Christian and who keeps quiet. I wish I had the ability to interview celebrities on their faith. Can you imagine reading about Denzel about his faith.(Actually, beliefnet has, lucky dogs!) I wish I could have that opportunity to interview them lol.

Anyway, thank you Sebastian Bach for planting the seed for millions of people.

Bible Study

I have to tell you, when I get a bible study in my hands I often get excited to see what God is going to show me in the pages, sometimes its my failures, sometimes its wisdom and sometimes its a reflection on how much work He has done in my life or how far I have to go.

I got my new bible study book, I prayed that Chris and I finished it wiser than when we started.
As I was reading the prefaced information, I got excited. Kind of like Horeshack. It talked about understanding why evil is in the world.

In my opinion, evil exists so that we can consciously turn away from it and toward God. How can we truly understand His undeniable power if there is no test? How can we understand faith if there is nothing to question the existence. How can we be stewards of Gods Word if we don't see anything else but Gods Word? How can we possibly understand the power of God if there is nothing to deliver us from?

I can't wait to see the authors opinion.
I listen to sermons when I feel that they are inspired by the word of God, when I hear certain things in the sermon, it could be how a personal memory scripture is spoken in the sermon or maybe its the way something is termed. I think that it is conforming the wisdom that God is imparting to me. It makes me feel like I am on the right track.

An example would be that when we were discussing politics(Which I hate discussing)Someone kept talking about the Republican party is the only way to go and that the abortion views are the litmus test for them. I told her that honestly, I pray on which way God wants me to vote, whether it is to bring us, as a nation, to our knees or to bring us to His glory and as far as abortion went, how many people have been in office that have been against it but yet done nothing to try to stop it? This person was not happy with me in the least. While I am sure my IQ is questioned when I say that it gets them to understand who I am aligned with. 2 weeks later, I was in the service and my pastor said 'It doesn't matter if you are Rep or Dem or Ind, what you should do is pray for who you should vote for.' I was so happy to get that little affirmation to know that I was on the right track.

Its little things like that which encourage me to keep going.
God has given me physical affirmation like that always makes me feel on top of the world.

I can't wait to see what He has in store for me between the pages of this book.

Fail

Well, I am always the first to realize being a Christian is NOT easy, if it was everyone would be on the bandwagon. Part of being godly is never forgetting your place in the world. I failed. Today when we first got up we found out our vehicles were broken in to as was our garage. Instead of keeping a cool head, I worked up a righteous steam of fury. How dare they! They were less than 20ft away from my daughters. If I think of that I have a hard time keeping my fear and fury in check.
About an hour after I posted, I became ashamed. God had convicted me. Its just things he took. He didn't get our children, my mother who was drinking coffee when it happened, or our dog. He just took things. I am warring with myself. On the one hand, I do my best to 'store my treasures in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and where robbers cannot steal.' but on the other hand, they have broken the law. Chris asked me where my faith is. I even felt more ashamed for my thinking. I am very blessed that my husband was there with encouragement.
I am thinking I am going to bed early tonight because I failed so horribly today.

Wow!

So Chris went to go pick Abby up from her first youth mini concert. She was watching Over Everest. When Chris got home he told me he saw an old coworker playing with Ted.
Chris was catching up with him and found out that he had surrendered to the ministry and he was at the church that my son has been going to with his girlfriend.
When my husband told the guy who my son was, his face lit up and was telling husband that he was in the exact same shoes as my son. He has been mentoring him through the whole thing and telling him to keep his chin up, do what you need to do no matter what everyone says.

It really made my evening. Austin has gotten so much grief even though it takes 2 to make a baby.
Its nice to know he has someone at that church who is a friend to him.

Its funny how God allows us little doors in which to see things we normally wouldn't see. An old coworker mentoring my son. We wouldn't have known other than my son talking about this guy who is 'really cool'.

Thank you Lord for the friends Austin has at that church.

Satan, You can't have my children!

I am currently reading this book. It is opening my eyes to the way I pray. The scripture that struck me is Romans 4:17 'As it is written: I have made you the father of many nations.'
God gave Abraham hope of things to come.
It was before Issac and Ishmael were born.(I know its not the correct birth order but Ishmael's line gave birth to muslims and was physical reminder of Abraham and Saras lack of faith.)
Both he and Sara were over 100 years old. They both lacked faith. When God presents you with something, where does your faith stand?
I had lost my Bible which made me feel out of sorts, I tried with other bibles but it just wasn't the same.
When Chris was laid off, it struck me how far I had come with my personal faith. I just thought 'Ok God, I can't wait to see you work through this.' (I used to work over time figuring out worst case scenarios on how we would live, picking out cardboard boxes, melodramatic I know but that's how my brain works.) The first month was disappointment in the world but amazement at what God had done by setting us up in such a way to 'make it' on unemployment which is over half less than what he normally makes.
The second month, stress set in. Not in our faith in God but wondering how long we were going to go through this. When Chris' faith would wane, I would step up and vice-versa.
With the third month came doubts, 'Lord, have I done something offensive? Did I miss something? I know I have frustration when it came to my job and how I was let go and the gossip that ensued but I've been honest and asking for help...what did I do wrong?' I also found out I was going to be a grandmother and that the girls parents were wanting my son to go to jail. I started asking more questions and begging forgiveness. I didn't know what I had done.

Then Chris got a job and things started to turn around and I got perspective. God provided for us when we thought it was impossible, God had brought us through this 'desert'. He promised to be there for us and His plans are not to harm us but to prosper us. I lost sight of that for a while.
Its been a few weeks and He is showing me that it was a way to 'grow' my faith.

Becoming a grandmother will be a beautiful gift. No child is born without God's blessing. While the timing is messed up God will use this for His master plan. Maybe it will be part of B and A's testimony. Maybe its to show us that as parents we can only do so much for our children's walk, it has to be a conscious effort on their part to make it fruitful. It may even be used as a way to help forge a fortified bridge where there was just a rope between the two families. Who knows? Certainly not me. God knows, but its up to Him to reveal it in His perfect timing.

My Bible!

I lost my bible a long time ago. I was upset over it. I would use another bible but it wasn't my bible. I found it yesterday and I had to wonder what exactly it was about that particular bible that made me miss it so. Did I idolize it? Did I put more worth in it than others? When I touched the familiar leather saw the faded gold I realized that I didn't idolize it, I just missed it like an old friend.

Flipping through the pages seeing the different ways its been worn, reminded me of what I shared with this particular book. Not only does it hold Gods Word, it holds some of my tears, memories and triumphs.
The tear stains map out struggles in my life, the church split, my dad dying, worry over my children all shown in the round ripples over the scripture.
Some pages are marked with lines, some with stars, church programs with notes furiously written to keep up with the message being spoken to me, all crammed in its pages. A note from my daughter, a book mark given to me by traveling evangelist from the Honduras, a bookmark given to me by one of the kids in my class. All memories that remind me to pray. All things I could live without but so very thankful I don't have to.
Some pages hold memories of reward for waiting on God's timing not my own or of a time of struggle.

All of the pages hold hope for me for showing me how far I have come since I have had the bible. I imagine that it will be retired one day but for now, I'll treasure it like the old friend that it is.

Someone please explain to me....

Can someone please explain to me why or how gossip is the better sin? Sex is a sin, I know that, being gay is a sin, so is vanity, gossip, lying, murder, adultery, gluttony, greed,judgment, etc. What makes someone who thumbs their nose part of Gods word any better than the person who thumbs their nose at any other part of Gods word. I am a sinner, sometimes its gossip, sometimes its lying, sometimes its gluttony, take your pick, I've done all at one time or another. I am not proud of it by any stretch of the imagination. Knowing I am a sinner and recognizing it for what it is keeps me humble.

I do consider myself a work in progress. I can't ever imagine a time when I am not learning. Raising kids is a tricky process. I've raised them in the church, I have tried to lead by example with every thing I do. I am slow to anger and when my children are picked on or gossiped about, I stuff 'momma bear' mode down deep and try to teach them how to rise above it all and try to be godly in everything they do. Sometimes I fail miserably. Teaching them I have learned more about myself in the process.

Some of the hurtful things I have heard about my family and my son has made it very difficult to stuff the 'momma bear' mode. People I have figured as godly people that I thought had 'done it right' where raising children was concerned have been saying some seriously mean and nasty things about my son. They have been gossiping. I think the only difference between the sins of premarital sex and gossip is that you can get caught in a very public way and you can't deny it.
Austin's girlfriend is pregnant. Some of the things his girlfriend has been told is just wrong. Sex is NOT the worst sin in the world. Possibly one of the most hurtful to the parents but not the worst. The denial of Christ is THE worst. People forget that so easily, it makes me wonder where their heart is.

I've been judged as a horrible parent. I've done the best I can. My kids know scripture, they know Christ, they know what miracle has been worked in our lives because He loves us, we have been active in church we have done everything that we know to do. I've walked the walk and talked the talk. I've been honest(much to the dismay of my children) about sex. I've told them about what God says about it and about how we should conduct ourselves but like all kids, there is a part of them that says 'they know better'. I also get that teens are teens. As much as I would love to think that they didn't think of the opposite sex, I know that's not true either. I've done the best and I don't care what others think but they think my kids are horrible. That couldn't be further from the truth and it breaks my heart.

The thing is that when the world judges me, I could care less because I wear the banner of Christ proudly. Mainly though, the world doesn't care. Its the Christian brothers and sisters, some I don't even know that are tearing my family to shreds with their cruel words and judgements.

Thankfully God knows me better than I know myself, He also knows my husband and children and maybe even my mother(A whole different ball of wax). I am thankful that He has also given me the wisdom to know that I am blessed that I have a few friends that I can trust with my life and my children and my heart. I know that they will be there for me and my family through thick and thin which is more precious than gold.

I realize this is a very random post but I am growing weary of defending my kids against gossip mongers and the like.

Thank you Lord!

I have been vocal about my husbands job, he has been without one for over 3 months. God has blessed us profusely and allowed us to tread water and pay all of our bills with unemployment. The blessing is that the unemployment is substantially less than half of what he would normally make and 1/5th of what he made last year.

We have had such a wild ride with this past year and his job. He has had so much overtime that we were able to pay some bills off, pay for over 7 thousand dollars in car maintenance along with other things.

When Chris got laid off, God gave me peace.

We trimmed the fat off of our budget, no Direct TV, no gym, Netflix -streaming only. It might not sound like a miracle but it is very much one. Had this happened at any other time would be drowning with truck notes and everything else.

My friend 'needed' me at the shop more to help pay for stuff(I put the quotes on because I think they were just being kind and allowing me to work some to get a little extra money), extreme couponing caught my attention and has allowed me to cut our grocery bill down to 25 to 50 dollars a week for a family of 6. We had a crazy garage sale in which we went to sell 2 kayaks for 300 and ended up selling them for 450. We also sold the one that we didn't have for sale. While a friend of mine is trying to sell hers cheaper than what we sold ours and hasn't gotten any queries . We started up a little business to keep my husband busy and now we have 3 stores selling Top Knots. Tell me God is not guiding our path and taking care of us! I am just in awe that He still cares about the little things.

Thank you Lord, You have provided for us and given us peace through the process. When we had weak moments You reinforced us. Thank you. Now, can you pretty please show me where my Bible is?

School daze.

The memory haunting me today is a memory of high school, actually of my senior year. I remember during one of the senior meetings a teacher got up and said 'Look around, one of you will be gone within a year, 5 of y'all will be gone within 10 years.' All of us, excited about exiting high school and starting our lives just could not face our mortality. Youth, its the ignorant bliss of thinking you will live forever. I recently saw a list of all in my class who had died. Granted, its been 24years since high school, but there are some memories that are packed up tight, never to be altered. One of those are school friends. They aren't allowed to age much less die. Yet, there I was looking at the list. The first one out of the gate was Troy, I want to say it was 6 months after graduation that he left us. Then the 5 were, Trae, Michelle, Dickey, Lisa and Kim, I can tell you, you can justify your parents dying because its the natural scheme of things that they go before you, waking up to a phone call and not being able to comprehend that the play date is off because you will be attending her funeral is just so surreal.

The day after Kim died, I got the call, I didn't believe it. I was visiting mom and ran to the corner store to get a paper, I saw the paper and screamed. I can't even remember how I got home. We had a play date scheduled for our kids, we talked on the phone a lot, next thing I know I am headed to a viewing, consoling a friend who was the first responder on the scene. I am blessed that Kim's sister and I talk on occasion and are able to share memories but at the same time, I wish she was still here.

I think about my graduation, how we all faced the future with the shiny expectancy of life. Some of us wanted to go to college, some of us just wanted to settle down. It makes you wonder how far in the future they dreamed. Did they dream of kids, of grand kids? Did they just take it 1 day at a time? Did anyone in my class ever look at someone thinking 'This is the last time I will see them.'?

God called them home in various ways; freak accidents, murder, health.. I try to justify that God was saving them from something horrendous then the realization that I don't know or think that most of them were Christians breaks my heart. If they knew that they only had a few months or years left, would they seek refuge in Him? I certainly hope so. I know, I didn't, but I am thankful that God didn't give up on me. Ever so thankful that God wouldn't let go and refused to allow me to skirt the edges and made me become who I am today, His work in progress.

Religion

I caught a show that was on my favorite subject. Religion. If ever I was a groupie for someone it would be the Trinity(No not peppers, onions and celery...the REAL Trinity) I get teary eyed thinking about walking in Jesus footsteps. To go some place be in aw and say 'Wow, Jesus was here!' I really am. I think if I saw where He was crucified my heart would stop. I just honestly can't imagine anything more astounding.(Actually I saw my friends husband sitting on the steps of the actual temple of Ur and thought 'WOW, THE Abraham actually walked right where he is sitting.')

Sorry, chased a rabbit there. The show started out talking about Jesus' temptation in the desert, then it morphed in to all sorts of odd directions, thanks to cable for being cable, I don't know what the show was called. I am quite content to watch this show but being a mom of 3 and a wife to 1laid off electrician as well as a daughter of one seriously buggy woman and I got distracted a few times. I got to see Orthodox Jew's at the wailing wall and envied that part of their life that they are able to go to their homeland and to be able to touch something that means so much. It showed Muslims and I was reminded about how close we parallel each other but are so vastly different.(I'll save that for another post)Then they showed some of the truly scary things. One of them was the minister that bonks people on the head to cast out demons the other thing was the church of Satan.

First, the minister that bonks people on the head. There are several things that alarm me. 1 being that the majority of his parishioners need to be bonked on the head.
Seriously though, sin lives in us. Part of us growing in faith is that we deny that sin, pick up the cross and trust in God. If you get smacked upside the head every time you have a thought that is not godly then you are not learning. You are dependent on someone that is there between the hours of such and such to smack it out of you. You miss the gift of God's grace and the faith that He will help you through it. You miss out on the fact that the Spirit lives within us, we have 2 parts in us that pull to opposite sides; the worldly, sinful self and the part of us that recognizes the gift of God's grace before our mind can comprehend it. I would imagine that you feel faulty after a while of getting smacked on the head. I mean if you were really healed wouldn't you have stopped the thing that requires you to get smacked in the head in the first place? You being dependent on a person like that is dangerous and ultimately a failure because the only 1 steadfast being in your life that you can unequivocally depend on is God/Jesus/Spirit. No man not even a spouse is fail safe like God.
Part of your journey(That I believe is only truly completed when God calls you home) is walking with Him daily, being expectant and my personal misery, waiting on Him to direct you. I am blessed beyond belief and I know that He loves me, He lets me know it. If I relied on a person to let me know it I would be very discouraged. He gives me peace where there is none. What do you do in the middle of the night when you need someone? Usually I pray but sometimes when its particularly bad I use knee mail. When I have a bad thought, I do get them, I ask Him to help me with it. I think if someone smacked me on the head I would have a litany of bad thoughts to hurl at him any given moment. God knows me, why on earth would I go to someone else.

Church of Satan, what I got out of what I saw is that this is an anti religion movement that mocks Christianity(Obviously) and allows people to live fully in the world. Actually to look at them you would imagine them out on the street as rejects from most social aspects trying to gain respect and (in their mind) a legitimate excuse to practice full blown hedonism. They use sex, getting back and general mayhem and destruction to get what they want. I would not be surprised if the one who created this was a Christian whos wiring went haywire. Scary to think but I wouldn't be surprised if this 'religion' grows quickly.

They also touched on the fact that people like Hitler, Dahmer, Manson or any other fruit loop out of the box could be forgiven. I believe that, it took me a very long time to 'get' that because I always wanted an eye for an eye! I have to believe that because if that's not the truth then I am not forgiven and forgiven is the only way to be.

Rules of Engagement

Its funny how the same conversations come around in different aspects. I remember when I first got married, friends and I would go out for lunch and the conversation would come to marriage and how things were difficult. I was reminded of all those conversations tonight when our neighbor came to chat. This time it was about her daughters marriage and how it was difficult. Same song, different dance. Now we experience this with our children.

When Johnnie came over she was telling us about her daughters difficulty with her in-laws and it drove me to this post.

There are certain rules and things to think about when you enter in to a marriage.

The first thing is that, your blending two houses and two lifestyles together. Even if you marry your bff, things will NOT be perfect. There will be bumps in the road and you will rub each other like sandpaper on occasion but its ok. Just remember, like with wine, everything will get better with time. Time will be longer or shorter depending on how hardheaded you are.

The second thing and it is VERY important! I have shared this countless times. Your parents don't need to know when things happen that are unfair, or when you think he has lost his mind or when you argue. I am telling you this because you will forgive your spouse 9 times out of 10. Anyone who gave birth to you or was ever close to you in anyway, will not. It makes things much harder when you go to visit your parents after you have made up and they don't look at you because they are to busy giving your spouse the stink eye,half crazed look of an axe murderer. (I've seen that look, its not pretty)

Another thing about arguing, discuss the facts about what is happening now. Do not bring up what happened last week, last month or last year. Offenses that cause an argument have a shelf life, the same shelf life of a loaf of bread left out under a hot, humid Texas sky. Do not insult their intelligence, do not shame them or make fun of them. If you want a life partner treat them with respect if you can't at that moment wait a day or two till you calm down. You have heard the myth of 'Don't go to sleep angry.' I think its ok if you do. Because a night of sleep will put things in to perspective and if its a real issue then you will be able to discuss it in a manner which lets you voice your opinion and they will receive it, not like a raving lunatic.(Which ends up getting tuned out and serves no purpose) It's also ok to agree to disagree on most things, money and children are not on the list of acceptable things to disagree about.

Speaking of taking a night to sleep on it, do that with big purchases. If you find yourself wanting something so bad you can't see straight, sleep on it. The next morning you will probably think that is an insane amount of money and you will probably never wear it, drive it, appreciate it. Then you save yourself the money and the hassle of it being more of a burden than a joy.


Don't talk badly about your spouse to anyone, if you want to have the same man for life, don't talk badly about him to his face or to anyone.(This is a slight reference of #2)

If you want the marriage to work, consider yourself less than what you consider your spouse. In order for it to work you sincerely need to do this. Both of you do, if your spouse takes you for granted because you do this then it will explode in his face.

Importantly is both must have a relationship outside of marriage, I am talking about a relationship that is far more intimate, its a relationship with God. He helps keep things in perspective and helps ease the boiling pot of anger when things get frustrating.

This is one of the posts I lost when the computer crashed! Its not complete but at least I found it and will edit it when I get a moment to think out loud.

Today I am facing the fact that life is not perfect.

God shows me little things I need to understand the grand scheme of my life. I will never be a raving beauty, a winner or much of a success.
My husband lost his job, I am going to be a grandmother way to early, I will never be able to leave my mother alone for any extended period of time due to her health problems, I am also anxiety ridden, I will never be the skinny mini I once was either.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO, where does this leave me?

It leaves me a solid marriage of 20 years. No matter where my body parts might sag or otherwise, my husband thinks that I am a raving beauty(Did I mention he has a cataract in one eye?) We don't have any bills that his unemployment won't cover. I wish I could have waited a few years to be a grandmother but I find myself excited at the prospect. If only the other (grand)parents would relax and realize that God is in control.
I am praying that my son's actions make my daughters (18 and 12) realize this is NOT the preferred way to go. My son is 20, I am proud that he wants to take his part with this child and not let her parents push him away.

Am I the model of the perfect parent? Are you kidding me? No! I did my best as all parents do. I did my best to try to prepare them for the real world. I didn't control every move they made or every interaction they had because its not healthy and it doesn't teach them. I did, however, try to instill in them that they are to be a light in a dark world. They are to glorify God in everything they do. They are like me, they are sinners and I realize they have to see the world for themselves before they can truly understand the gift of Gods grace. I don't want the actions of some people I respected in the church to disillusion them about God or the church in general. That worries me a lot. My son is 20, if he doesn't fall he won't see who is there when the dust settles. I get that part but its so hard to see and not fix.

I always thought that 20years down the road I would have children going to the college of their choice and full ride scholarships to help them, we would have our lovely 4/2 on a 5 acre sprawl.
Not where I am now. Living with my mother because she can't afford to live on her own and she had the bigger house, a son in college with a girlfriend thats pregnant, daughter about to head to college in the local town because we can't afford the 90k it costs to go to that college, currently no funds coming in wondering what the next week holds in store for us.


Yep, life isn't perfect thats for sure.

Things to Ponder

Certain thoughts keep me up at night. I have 3 kids ranging from 20 to 12.

At what point do you trust your kid to make the right choices?

Do you keep them in a bubble till they move out? Do you just let them go as soon as they drive? When is the right time?

I've had my parenting questioned because my 20year old watches rated R and unrated movies. Not many unrated movies, he mainly watches shows that are on Adult Swim. While I hate those shows because they are crude cartoons that I think drag young kids in adult thought processes, I don't begrudge my 20yr old those shows. He is 20. While I am here to dig my heels in when it comes to drugs and drinking and things I don't approve of, I am not that stringent on what he watches. He is classified an adult. The only barriers from being equal to his dad at me are experiences and the ability to drink legally.

The one questioning me is actually the polar opposite of me she has a 17yr old that she pumps for information and doesn't trust as far as she could throw her. Mind you, her daughter, which happens to be my sons gf has never done anything that a lot of teenagers do like sneak out, drink, had sex or anything that would make a parent cringe other than voice her opinion on things.

IMO when you hold on too closely you miss the opportunity to allow your child to grow and experience life. If you hold on till they leave then you miss prime opportunity to mentor your child. You show lack of faith in God and in your child.

I love my children with all my heart but when someone questions my intelligence, my character or my children when they have given no provocation for such, it enrages me. It grieves me. It puts me in a quandary as to the intelligence of someone who felt the need to dig through private business to decide that the person that they once called about because he wasn't moving fast enough for their taste is now some lowlife pervert.

While I don't expect anyone to get this post(If anyone ever read it) I do thank God that I am allowed to voice my opinion in this manner so I can think things through.

Struggling

I have not been faithful posting here. My life being the train headed towards the derailment that it is, is just to insane. I don't know if mom or one of the kids will be calling me away or side tracking me.

I need to confess. I try to walk the walk when it comes to dealing with my family but I feel like I am loosing it. My husband can't figure out why I cry so much but I hear him gripe about my mother, my mother gripes about everything while sitting on her throne chain smoking.

To help level me out I need silence, mom on the other hand has to have background noise on all the time. I try to follow the commandments but she makes it hard. "Honor thy mother and thy father.''
Well mom makes sure that I earn that badge. She won't be quiet, she won't be nice and she chain smokes. I am allergic to smoke so that makes her smoke more.

Last year when she was going through the cancer I was the one that would get up at 3 or 4 to take her to MD Anderson. I would get home by 11 if I was lucky. The next day I would look like the zombie that I felt like at work.

My sister took her a couple of times when I forced the issue but taking care of an elderly parent is hard. I uprooted my family to move in to take care of her and help her, financially and medically. I just wish she could appreciate the sacrifice that Chris and I have made to help her.

I dream of having my own home, a space where everyone could spread out and a place where I can sit on a couch and talk on the phone. Not hide in the bathroom just trying to hold a conversation. We are paying off debt but its slow because as soon as we pay something off hubs has to charge something.

I guess I am writing today to get out some of my frustration, sadness and general downer mood.

Lord help me find joy again.