I hate drama

He was born January 1st and is so sweet and precious my heart aches. With my son and his fiance's life swirling with drama. Her parents have made it a point to punish both of them even after the baby has been born. They are making sure my son isn't allowed over at their house but for short periods of time. It is killing him.

They have implied that my son is a rapist, they are making sure that he and B pay for the time they spent together in the hospital. What should be a joyous time for both the parents and the grandparents is spent being filled with  pain and heart ache. Chris and I don't know when we will get to see Ryan again.

I am so worried about what is in store for the next 3 months.

I have prayed a lot since she went in to labor, at first it was for a fast an easy delivery then for the baby to be healthy and happy and now for peace.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated. I know and I am thankful that God will take care of the situation but I would like to see my grandchild again.

I would also be lying if I said I trusted the other grandparents. They have done some things that have shocked me.

I don't want to see my son and his fiance living in sin and I don't want them to get married out of a feeling of necessity. I want them to make the decision for themselves, not someone else pushing the decision on them.

Poor B, she seems so sad  from what I understand. I'm scared to call for fear of getting her in more trouble.

I know this is their fault, not just his but THEIR fault, but how long do you make them pay?
In my opinion, they will be paying for the rest of their life.

I've been praying, I don't know what else to do.

Christmas time

I've tried writing this post before but I fell short. I was going to talk about the stress of the season about how I think everyone has lost focused and how mom and Chris are fighting when I stop....

This isn't about I this or I that, I don't matter...It's about I AM.

As we are in the midst of the season we recognize as Christ's birth, some of us wonder what Mary must have felt like, what did she have to endure to bring Him in to the world? Had she and Joseph started their Journey for the census that brought them back to Bethlehem yet? The way she suffered as a mother, she had to have been a strong woman because the majority of women couldn't survive watching their child get tortured.

Did Jesus realize just what a precious gift to the world he was, the moment he could vocalize or was He groomed to be the savior of the world?

Some of us think about what He endured for us, He gave us life.... His life to be exact. we might see what He must have endured for us(Thank you 'The Passion of The Christ') all of our ugly sin tattooed in to His skin with the lashes so that we can live. We don't deserve that kind of Grace. Yet He gave us life. This is the season that starts with a sweet child, born modestly but is greater than everything that was, is or will be.
A child born that the magi read in the stars about.
A child that they would deceive their king for.

A small child, that grew up to be a man, who saved the world.
He became hands down the most known man on Earth, whether you believe in Him or not.

A man so controversial that people have died a martyrs death to spread the word.

A man whom we owe our lives to and who we celebrate every December 25th. A man who entered my dreams and gave me His name before I had even heard it. YHWH.
A man so beautiful He takes my breath away.

Jesus...

I will be praying on December 25th, praying praises for Jesus. I owe my life, love and soul to Him .

Thank You for the Gift so precious that all the tears ever shed would be a drop in the bucket for the price He paid for us.

Tonight

Tonight, I walked out side and just had one of those magical moments. It was a gloriously crisp quiet(a rarity on my street) night. The sky was crystal clear, the moon lit the landscape with its silvery glow, the stars sparkled on the violet velvet sky. When it gets that beautiful and that stillness outside sparks that stillness inside of me, I am humbled.
 
 My first thought was 'Lord, thank You for this beautiful moment.' The clean fresh air enters my lungs as I breath deeply and look around, it is so bright that I can walk uninhibited out in to the lot. The whole time I am praying and thankful, even though I am in the middle of the town I live in, walking around in the yard, I feel I am in a private place with God. My mind wonders while I pray(I am a bit ADD I think) Sometimes I think of what it will be like when we are face to face. Sometimes I think about the mistakes I've made and how thankful I am that even though I have a hard time forgiving myself, God is faithful and forgives me when I ask Him and sometimes, just sometimes, I work on waiting, listening for Him to speak to me.

Tonight, I looked at the beautiful stars, picking out constellations, smiling at their twinkling spark and realizing how small I am and the problems I have are. In this whole big universe, I am the equivalent of a speck of sand on the ocean floor, totally forgettable and small. I think about how in the infinite universe, God looks at me, seeks me out and has a relationship with me, little ole me, the speck of sand on the bottom of the ocean floor, nondescript and buried. Sometimes I feel as if my heart will explode for the love I have for Him and the love He has for me. I very much feel like a child of His simply because of who I am in Him.  I like sitting at His feet. It gives me peace.

Looking at the Bible tonight, I found Lamentations (Actually, like a lot of scripture when I dig, it finds me.)2:19

Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord.

It makes me think of posting, which I am obviously doing. It makes me think of all the times I've poured out my heart to Him and how special these moments I have with Him are.

I get by with a little help from my friends

It's been a while since I've posted, my life has been a roller coaster. It might be a long and bumpy post.

Depression has taken hold of me. I don't know how to let it go this time around.
I've taken medicine for it because I have a problem with it, honestly the medication I was on made things so much worse. I finally told the doctor to ween me off of it because it made me crazy. So now when I get depressed God is my medicine. I start to work on my 'Thank you' notes. When things are at their worst and I am grasping at straws. I'll start the day out with 'Thank You Lord, for letting me see another day. Thank You Lord for the pretty day. Thank You Lord for allowing me this life.' That's just how I work when it comes to being depressed. I try to focus on the positive and things to be thankful and sometimes I'm so bogged down I'll just say 'Thank You for allowing me to live.' that might be the only thing I can muster due to the depression.

He is with me, I know this intellectually, but my brain short circuits and I have a hard time feeling it. I've been dealing with so much stuff, I'm back to being bogged down.

There are some people who are not being as covert as they think they are with how they feel about me. Some people that I thought were the epitome of Christianity that are being vocal about me and my children. Some people that are making me question who my real friends are and if they are my real friends, are they talking to these people? Do they agree with these people? I know that being Christian and having Christian friends doesn't keep you from the pain of relationships.  The thing is, its not just a couple of people. I go in to church and have to hear from them every Sunday from the pulpit. It's painful. I just want to cry, actually, I do.

I am thankful for the close friends that don't have know or don't deal with the people hurting me.
I'm thankful for the friends that see my heart and my intentions and know what's true. I am thankful for the friends that can talk me out of a tree(half joking) when family drama threatens to drown me. I think this depression is because of so many outside things picking at me.

Family drama, I hate it but when I get stuck in the middle of it, it makes me crazy.
Judgement of Christians I am supposed to trust. My campus pastor being one.
My mother forgot how to spell my name. I am surprised at how much that hurt.
People that dump things at the last minute in to my lap.(Thank you, Sis in law)


I will probably come back and post more when I get more settled.

Don't forget the Lord

Ever have one of those Twilight Zone moments? When several things hit you at once? Sometimes I have to have the obvious pointed out to me because I tend to not see the forest for the trees.


Deuteronomy, the last book of the Pentateuch. I have read it but this past Sunday, the message at church got to me. 'Don't forget the Lord' At the start of the sermon I prayed 'Lord, please don't ever let me forget who You are and what You have done for me.' I thought that I was done with that. I went through the dry period of my life when I left the church at 13. This sermon proved that I was not as,'done with that' as I thought.
Deu 8:12-14 spoke volumes to me. When Pastor said 'Satan tempts us when things are going good.' It's one of those things you know in the back of your mind, but for me when he said that 2 things popped in to my head.

1) I thought about those times when things were going good and I would forget to be thankful for the little things or I would be like a toddler trying to walk on my own and end up falling flat on my face because I let go of my Father a little to soon. It also hit me that while I understand that when things are bad we lean heavily on the Lord which is very obvious to me, but when things are going good I tend to teeter to the other side of the tot!
I need to be more vigilant during those times because that's when Satan slithers his way in and has an opportunity to take hold of your life without you even realizing it.

2) The earliest memory of Christian thought was when little, playing in my room I said out loud 'Lord, if being poor and having a hard life makes me closer to you, then that is what I want to be.' deep thought for such a little kid. I wonder if the sermon on Sunday was similar to the one I heard that inspired me to say that at such a young and tender age.
Thinking of that, it reminded me of how many times I let Satan have free reign over my heart and my head without even realizing it.

Thank you Lord for putting up with my shortcomings and reminding me from time to time how far I've come and how far I have to go.

Jesus In The Main Stream

Highway to Heaven, Touched by an Angel, The Passion of the Christ, Fireproof.
Those shows and movies are good Christian shows and movies. While they help bolster Christians in their daily walk they don't affect the people who are skeptic of Christians.

There are other shows and movies that openly discuss Christianity in a way that is not confrontational. I was watching Bones and I realized that while they do discuss Christian ideals, sometimes even scripture its very rare and sparingly. It shows how 'real' a Christian can be. The character 'Bones' is an empiricist and the character 'Booth' is Catholic. It opens up some interesting conversations. Today's rerun was a comment that struck me as funny. She was commenting on cajun voodoo and was marking the similarities. She says 'They have zombies, you have a man who rose from the dead after 3 days.'
Booth says emphatically, 'Jesus was NOT a ZOMBIE!' While most Christians would be offended at the conversation.(I was the first time I saw it.) I think that conversations like that are important for skeptics to actually see defenders(no matter how silly the context) of Jesus. A couple of times they quote and share scripture. I figure, aethiests, empiricists, agnostic people watch the show. Whenever they quote scripture, it plants a seed. Whenever the characters get in a debate in beliefs they see the argument. Granted the discussions are only a couple of times per season it seems but its there. If you are obvious in trying to plant the seed, it falls on fallow ground in my opinion. When you sprinkle it in it plants questions in such a way that it shakes the picture of a Christian up.

Then there is the Madea series. Those movies are shocking to a Christian heart but it shows how real life is.(In a satiric type of way) Diary of a Mad Black Woman was the first one I saw.
When they started cursing I was floored, I thought it was Christian based. The Madea series is, I would guess, is offensive to soft Christian hearts but it sprinkles Christian ideals and thoughts throughout but is so outrageous that I fully believe that a non believer would enjoy watching it. I know it helped a few people with their walk because they saw it was ok to actually be a Christian and have fun. Whether it is doing the Harlem Shuffle or laughing at the insanity. It shows that Christians are first and for most human, Christianity grows over time. Its not topical it's something that shines through. It is a spoon fed way to introduce the uneducated to the truth of the matter. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I was a child of the 80's in the worst way. I didn't go to church because the church had gotten kicked out of the SBA and that to a young teen was akin to being sent to the principles office and it scared me to death. Since my family didn't go I just faded away in the life of that church. They did things that freaked me out like record burnings and Book burning. Not all the music or books were talking about the Devil or evil things but they sure wanted them to burn. They also did protests. I heard from a friend that said she got hit in the head with a Bible because she didn't want to stop and listen to them so they grabbed her by the hair of her head and smacked her face with the Bible. Stuff like that made it so very easy to fall away.

What brought me back wasn't the Highway to Heaven type shows or movies. It was the constant sprinkling of Jesus. Shows that would sneak little snippets in when you least expect it. Movies that let you know that we are to be a light in a dark world.

I think about how different my life would have been had someone told me that Bible thumpers weren't the typical Christian.(I love the passion in those kind of people but you cannot share the word if you slam the door close before you even open your mouth, if you know what I mean)

I hope this post doesn't offend, its not its purpose. Its just something that struck me. I try not to be offensive, my focus is to glorify God and to spread his word. While its easy to be a Christian when all your friends share your beliefs, its not really an effective way to do the Great Commission. I was told it's called friendship evangelism. I am all for it and I think if a new Christian has a strong Christian friend its the best way to be a 'fisher of men'. I think its more effective in the long run because if you don't have any Christian friends or family then its easy to be like I was and just drift away.

Sebastian Bach - Skid Row

I never cared for his music even when it was the decade of hairbands. I was reading about the flooding and damaged caused by Irene and got the link to an article. His house devastated, that isn't' the reason I am doing this though. He posted that he was wondering if he should stay or go dealing with the house. He then posted something that caught my eye.

Well, God has other plans for me it seems,” he writes. “I just think He is giving me a much needed push, is all.

I think that the first part is kind of generic, something a pseudo Christian would write, but when he writes the second half and capitalizes the H in he, it makes me think there is something a bit more than just words. He acknowledges that God is in his life and is directing it.

I am sure that he is upset over his house but for him to say what he said in such a huge public way, I am impressed. His persona is not Christian, its not anti Christian either but it makes me want to dig deeper. I think people like him can make more of an impact to an out of control sinner than most Christians. I think it first shocks then slowly seeps in to ones soul when they find out that someone they admire is actually a Christian.

We are to be a light in the dark world. That means we are to go out among the sinners and stand out. I think that if he doesn't bat an eye saying what he says, he might not be the Christian he is supposed to be but he is doing something of utmost importance, He is planting the seed.

Its easy to be Christian among like minded friends, its easy to be a Christian when you volunteer.
Not so easy to be a Christian among coworkers who don't share your belief, it doesn't mean you should hide who you are it just means you are the light in their dark world.

My husband has caused people to consider their faith because he stays strong in a very hard line of work. He used to lament about how hard it was to rise above what they were doing at work. I never understood it until the death of a friend. We were at his funeral and all of his coworkers were sitting around us in church. The one that calls me 'momma' and 2 others behind us were cursing just having a normal conversation. I was very uncomfortable and praying the whole time they were talking. They said the Lords name in vain and then without taking a breath went with the Lords prayer that had started. That scared me so bad that I scooted up in my seat to have some physical separation. I then whispered an apology to Chris. He nodded because he understood that I saw what he had to deal with. Then I changed my prayers to better fit the situation.


I often look up stars or musicians to see who is Christian and who keeps quiet. I wish I had the ability to interview celebrities on their faith. Can you imagine reading about Denzel about his faith.(Actually, beliefnet has, lucky dogs!) I wish I could have that opportunity to interview them lol.

Anyway, thank you Sebastian Bach for planting the seed for millions of people.