The memory haunting me today is a memory of high school, actually of my senior year. I remember during one of the senior meetings a teacher got up and said 'Look around, one of you will be gone within a year, 5 of y'all will be gone within 10 years.' All of us, excited about exiting high school and starting our lives just could not face our mortality. Youth, its the ignorant bliss of thinking you will live forever. I recently saw a list of all in my class who had died. Granted, its been 24years since high school, but there are some memories that are packed up tight, never to be altered. One of those are school friends. They aren't allowed to age much less die. Yet, there I was looking at the list. The first one out of the gate was Troy, I want to say it was 6 months after graduation that he left us. Then the 5 were, Trae, Michelle, Dickey, Lisa and Kim, I can tell you, you can justify your parents dying because its the natural scheme of things that they go before you, waking up to a phone call and not being able to comprehend that the play date is off because you will be attending her funeral is just so surreal.
The day after Kim died, I got the call, I didn't believe it. I was visiting mom and ran to the corner store to get a paper, I saw the paper and screamed. I can't even remember how I got home. We had a play date scheduled for our kids, we talked on the phone a lot, next thing I know I am headed to a viewing, consoling a friend who was the first responder on the scene. I am blessed that Kim's sister and I talk on occasion and are able to share memories but at the same time, I wish she was still here.
I think about my graduation, how we all faced the future with the shiny expectancy of life. Some of us wanted to go to college, some of us just wanted to settle down. It makes you wonder how far in the future they dreamed. Did they dream of kids, of grand kids? Did they just take it 1 day at a time? Did anyone in my class ever look at someone thinking 'This is the last time I will see them.'?
God called them home in various ways; freak accidents, murder, health.. I try to justify that God was saving them from something horrendous then the realization that I don't know or think that most of them were Christians breaks my heart. If they knew that they only had a few months or years left, would they seek refuge in Him? I certainly hope so. I know, I didn't, but I am thankful that God didn't give up on me. Ever so thankful that God wouldn't let go and refused to allow me to skirt the edges and made me become who I am today, His work in progress.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Religion
I caught a show that was on my favorite subject. Religion. If ever I was a groupie for someone it would be the Trinity(No not peppers, onions and celery...the REAL Trinity) I get teary eyed thinking about walking in Jesus footsteps. To go some place be in aw and say 'Wow, Jesus was here!' I really am. I think if I saw where He was crucified my heart would stop. I just honestly can't imagine anything more astounding.(Actually I saw my friends husband sitting on the steps of the actual temple of Ur and thought 'WOW, THE Abraham actually walked right where he is sitting.')
Sorry, chased a rabbit there. The show started out talking about Jesus' temptation in the desert, then it morphed in to all sorts of odd directions, thanks to cable for being cable, I don't know what the show was called. I am quite content to watch this show but being a mom of 3 and a wife to 1laid off electrician as well as a daughter of one seriously buggy woman and I got distracted a few times. I got to see Orthodox Jew's at the wailing wall and envied that part of their life that they are able to go to their homeland and to be able to touch something that means so much. It showed Muslims and I was reminded about how close we parallel each other but are so vastly different.(I'll save that for another post)Then they showed some of the truly scary things. One of them was the minister that bonks people on the head to cast out demons the other thing was the church of Satan.
First, the minister that bonks people on the head. There are several things that alarm me. 1 being that the majority of his parishioners need to be bonked on the head.
Seriously though, sin lives in us. Part of us growing in faith is that we deny that sin, pick up the cross and trust in God. If you get smacked upside the head every time you have a thought that is not godly then you are not learning. You are dependent on someone that is there between the hours of such and such to smack it out of you. You miss the gift of God's grace and the faith that He will help you through it. You miss out on the fact that the Spirit lives within us, we have 2 parts in us that pull to opposite sides; the worldly, sinful self and the part of us that recognizes the gift of God's grace before our mind can comprehend it. I would imagine that you feel faulty after a while of getting smacked on the head. I mean if you were really healed wouldn't you have stopped the thing that requires you to get smacked in the head in the first place? You being dependent on a person like that is dangerous and ultimately a failure because the only 1 steadfast being in your life that you can unequivocally depend on is God/Jesus/Spirit. No man not even a spouse is fail safe like God.
Part of your journey(That I believe is only truly completed when God calls you home) is walking with Him daily, being expectant and my personal misery, waiting on Him to direct you. I am blessed beyond belief and I know that He loves me, He lets me know it. If I relied on a person to let me know it I would be very discouraged. He gives me peace where there is none. What do you do in the middle of the night when you need someone? Usually I pray but sometimes when its particularly bad I use knee mail. When I have a bad thought, I do get them, I ask Him to help me with it. I think if someone smacked me on the head I would have a litany of bad thoughts to hurl at him any given moment. God knows me, why on earth would I go to someone else.
Church of Satan, what I got out of what I saw is that this is an anti religion movement that mocks Christianity(Obviously) and allows people to live fully in the world. Actually to look at them you would imagine them out on the street as rejects from most social aspects trying to gain respect and (in their mind) a legitimate excuse to practice full blown hedonism. They use sex, getting back and general mayhem and destruction to get what they want. I would not be surprised if the one who created this was a Christian whos wiring went haywire. Scary to think but I wouldn't be surprised if this 'religion' grows quickly.
They also touched on the fact that people like Hitler, Dahmer, Manson or any other fruit loop out of the box could be forgiven. I believe that, it took me a very long time to 'get' that because I always wanted an eye for an eye! I have to believe that because if that's not the truth then I am not forgiven and forgiven is the only way to be.
Sorry, chased a rabbit there. The show started out talking about Jesus' temptation in the desert, then it morphed in to all sorts of odd directions, thanks to cable for being cable, I don't know what the show was called. I am quite content to watch this show but being a mom of 3 and a wife to 1laid off electrician as well as a daughter of one seriously buggy woman and I got distracted a few times. I got to see Orthodox Jew's at the wailing wall and envied that part of their life that they are able to go to their homeland and to be able to touch something that means so much. It showed Muslims and I was reminded about how close we parallel each other but are so vastly different.(I'll save that for another post)Then they showed some of the truly scary things. One of them was the minister that bonks people on the head to cast out demons the other thing was the church of Satan.
First, the minister that bonks people on the head. There are several things that alarm me. 1 being that the majority of his parishioners need to be bonked on the head.
Seriously though, sin lives in us. Part of us growing in faith is that we deny that sin, pick up the cross and trust in God. If you get smacked upside the head every time you have a thought that is not godly then you are not learning. You are dependent on someone that is there between the hours of such and such to smack it out of you. You miss the gift of God's grace and the faith that He will help you through it. You miss out on the fact that the Spirit lives within us, we have 2 parts in us that pull to opposite sides; the worldly, sinful self and the part of us that recognizes the gift of God's grace before our mind can comprehend it. I would imagine that you feel faulty after a while of getting smacked on the head. I mean if you were really healed wouldn't you have stopped the thing that requires you to get smacked in the head in the first place? You being dependent on a person like that is dangerous and ultimately a failure because the only 1 steadfast being in your life that you can unequivocally depend on is God/Jesus/Spirit. No man not even a spouse is fail safe like God.
Part of your journey(That I believe is only truly completed when God calls you home) is walking with Him daily, being expectant and my personal misery, waiting on Him to direct you. I am blessed beyond belief and I know that He loves me, He lets me know it. If I relied on a person to let me know it I would be very discouraged. He gives me peace where there is none. What do you do in the middle of the night when you need someone? Usually I pray but sometimes when its particularly bad I use knee mail. When I have a bad thought, I do get them, I ask Him to help me with it. I think if someone smacked me on the head I would have a litany of bad thoughts to hurl at him any given moment. God knows me, why on earth would I go to someone else.
Church of Satan, what I got out of what I saw is that this is an anti religion movement that mocks Christianity(Obviously) and allows people to live fully in the world. Actually to look at them you would imagine them out on the street as rejects from most social aspects trying to gain respect and (in their mind) a legitimate excuse to practice full blown hedonism. They use sex, getting back and general mayhem and destruction to get what they want. I would not be surprised if the one who created this was a Christian whos wiring went haywire. Scary to think but I wouldn't be surprised if this 'religion' grows quickly.
They also touched on the fact that people like Hitler, Dahmer, Manson or any other fruit loop out of the box could be forgiven. I believe that, it took me a very long time to 'get' that because I always wanted an eye for an eye! I have to believe that because if that's not the truth then I am not forgiven and forgiven is the only way to be.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Rules of Engagement
Its funny how the same conversations come around in different aspects. I remember when I first got married, friends and I would go out for lunch and the conversation would come to marriage and how things were difficult. I was reminded of all those conversations tonight when our neighbor came to chat. This time it was about her daughters marriage and how it was difficult. Same song, different dance. Now we experience this with our children.
When Johnnie came over she was telling us about her daughters difficulty with her in-laws and it drove me to this post.
There are certain rules and things to think about when you enter in to a marriage.
The first thing is that, your blending two houses and two lifestyles together. Even if you marry your bff, things will NOT be perfect. There will be bumps in the road and you will rub each other like sandpaper on occasion but its ok. Just remember, like with wine, everything will get better with time. Time will be longer or shorter depending on how hardheaded you are.
The second thing and it is VERY important! I have shared this countless times. Your parents don't need to know when things happen that are unfair, or when you think he has lost his mind or when you argue. I am telling you this because you will forgive your spouse 9 times out of 10. Anyone who gave birth to you or was ever close to you in anyway, will not. It makes things much harder when you go to visit your parents after you have made up and they don't look at you because they are to busy giving your spouse the stink eye,half crazed look of an axe murderer. (I've seen that look, its not pretty)
Another thing about arguing, discuss the facts about what is happening now. Do not bring up what happened last week, last month or last year. Offenses that cause an argument have a shelf life, the same shelf life of a loaf of bread left out under a hot, humid Texas sky. Do not insult their intelligence, do not shame them or make fun of them. If you want a life partner treat them with respect if you can't at that moment wait a day or two till you calm down. You have heard the myth of 'Don't go to sleep angry.' I think its ok if you do. Because a night of sleep will put things in to perspective and if its a real issue then you will be able to discuss it in a manner which lets you voice your opinion and they will receive it, not like a raving lunatic.(Which ends up getting tuned out and serves no purpose) It's also ok to agree to disagree on most things, money and children are not on the list of acceptable things to disagree about.
Speaking of taking a night to sleep on it, do that with big purchases. If you find yourself wanting something so bad you can't see straight, sleep on it. The next morning you will probably think that is an insane amount of money and you will probably never wear it, drive it, appreciate it. Then you save yourself the money and the hassle of it being more of a burden than a joy.
Don't talk badly about your spouse to anyone, if you want to have the same man for life, don't talk badly about him to his face or to anyone.(This is a slight reference of #2)
If you want the marriage to work, consider yourself less than what you consider your spouse. In order for it to work you sincerely need to do this. Both of you do, if your spouse takes you for granted because you do this then it will explode in his face.
Importantly is both must have a relationship outside of marriage, I am talking about a relationship that is far more intimate, its a relationship with God. He helps keep things in perspective and helps ease the boiling pot of anger when things get frustrating.
This is one of the posts I lost when the computer crashed! Its not complete but at least I found it and will edit it when I get a moment to think out loud.
When Johnnie came over she was telling us about her daughters difficulty with her in-laws and it drove me to this post.
There are certain rules and things to think about when you enter in to a marriage.
The first thing is that, your blending two houses and two lifestyles together. Even if you marry your bff, things will NOT be perfect. There will be bumps in the road and you will rub each other like sandpaper on occasion but its ok. Just remember, like with wine, everything will get better with time. Time will be longer or shorter depending on how hardheaded you are.
The second thing and it is VERY important! I have shared this countless times. Your parents don't need to know when things happen that are unfair, or when you think he has lost his mind or when you argue. I am telling you this because you will forgive your spouse 9 times out of 10. Anyone who gave birth to you or was ever close to you in anyway, will not. It makes things much harder when you go to visit your parents after you have made up and they don't look at you because they are to busy giving your spouse the stink eye,half crazed look of an axe murderer. (I've seen that look, its not pretty)
Another thing about arguing, discuss the facts about what is happening now. Do not bring up what happened last week, last month or last year. Offenses that cause an argument have a shelf life, the same shelf life of a loaf of bread left out under a hot, humid Texas sky. Do not insult their intelligence, do not shame them or make fun of them. If you want a life partner treat them with respect if you can't at that moment wait a day or two till you calm down. You have heard the myth of 'Don't go to sleep angry.' I think its ok if you do. Because a night of sleep will put things in to perspective and if its a real issue then you will be able to discuss it in a manner which lets you voice your opinion and they will receive it, not like a raving lunatic.(Which ends up getting tuned out and serves no purpose) It's also ok to agree to disagree on most things, money and children are not on the list of acceptable things to disagree about.
Speaking of taking a night to sleep on it, do that with big purchases. If you find yourself wanting something so bad you can't see straight, sleep on it. The next morning you will probably think that is an insane amount of money and you will probably never wear it, drive it, appreciate it. Then you save yourself the money and the hassle of it being more of a burden than a joy.
Don't talk badly about your spouse to anyone, if you want to have the same man for life, don't talk badly about him to his face or to anyone.(This is a slight reference of #2)
If you want the marriage to work, consider yourself less than what you consider your spouse. In order for it to work you sincerely need to do this. Both of you do, if your spouse takes you for granted because you do this then it will explode in his face.
Importantly is both must have a relationship outside of marriage, I am talking about a relationship that is far more intimate, its a relationship with God. He helps keep things in perspective and helps ease the boiling pot of anger when things get frustrating.
This is one of the posts I lost when the computer crashed! Its not complete but at least I found it and will edit it when I get a moment to think out loud.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Today I am facing the fact that life is not perfect.
God shows me little things I need to understand the grand scheme of my life. I will never be a raving beauty, a winner or much of a success.
My husband lost his job, I am going to be a grandmother way to early, I will never be able to leave my mother alone for any extended period of time due to her health problems, I am also anxiety ridden, I will never be the skinny mini I once was either.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO, where does this leave me?
It leaves me a solid marriage of 20 years. No matter where my body parts might sag or otherwise, my husband thinks that I am a raving beauty(Did I mention he has a cataract in one eye?) We don't have any bills that his unemployment won't cover. I wish I could have waited a few years to be a grandmother but I find myself excited at the prospect. If only the other (grand)parents would relax and realize that God is in control.
I am praying that my son's actions make my daughters (18 and 12) realize this is NOT the preferred way to go. My son is 20, I am proud that he wants to take his part with this child and not let her parents push him away.
Am I the model of the perfect parent? Are you kidding me? No! I did my best as all parents do. I did my best to try to prepare them for the real world. I didn't control every move they made or every interaction they had because its not healthy and it doesn't teach them. I did, however, try to instill in them that they are to be a light in a dark world. They are to glorify God in everything they do. They are like me, they are sinners and I realize they have to see the world for themselves before they can truly understand the gift of Gods grace. I don't want the actions of some people I respected in the church to disillusion them about God or the church in general. That worries me a lot. My son is 20, if he doesn't fall he won't see who is there when the dust settles. I get that part but its so hard to see and not fix.
I always thought that 20years down the road I would have children going to the college of their choice and full ride scholarships to help them, we would have our lovely 4/2 on a 5 acre sprawl.
Not where I am now. Living with my mother because she can't afford to live on her own and she had the bigger house, a son in college with a girlfriend thats pregnant, daughter about to head to college in the local town because we can't afford the 90k it costs to go to that college, currently no funds coming in wondering what the next week holds in store for us.
Yep, life isn't perfect thats for sure.
My husband lost his job, I am going to be a grandmother way to early, I will never be able to leave my mother alone for any extended period of time due to her health problems, I am also anxiety ridden, I will never be the skinny mini I once was either.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO, where does this leave me?
It leaves me a solid marriage of 20 years. No matter where my body parts might sag or otherwise, my husband thinks that I am a raving beauty(Did I mention he has a cataract in one eye?) We don't have any bills that his unemployment won't cover. I wish I could have waited a few years to be a grandmother but I find myself excited at the prospect. If only the other (grand)parents would relax and realize that God is in control.
I am praying that my son's actions make my daughters (18 and 12) realize this is NOT the preferred way to go. My son is 20, I am proud that he wants to take his part with this child and not let her parents push him away.
Am I the model of the perfect parent? Are you kidding me? No! I did my best as all parents do. I did my best to try to prepare them for the real world. I didn't control every move they made or every interaction they had because its not healthy and it doesn't teach them. I did, however, try to instill in them that they are to be a light in a dark world. They are to glorify God in everything they do. They are like me, they are sinners and I realize they have to see the world for themselves before they can truly understand the gift of Gods grace. I don't want the actions of some people I respected in the church to disillusion them about God or the church in general. That worries me a lot. My son is 20, if he doesn't fall he won't see who is there when the dust settles. I get that part but its so hard to see and not fix.
I always thought that 20years down the road I would have children going to the college of their choice and full ride scholarships to help them, we would have our lovely 4/2 on a 5 acre sprawl.
Not where I am now. Living with my mother because she can't afford to live on her own and she had the bigger house, a son in college with a girlfriend thats pregnant, daughter about to head to college in the local town because we can't afford the 90k it costs to go to that college, currently no funds coming in wondering what the next week holds in store for us.
Yep, life isn't perfect thats for sure.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Things to Ponder
Certain thoughts keep me up at night. I have 3 kids ranging from 20 to 12.
At what point do you trust your kid to make the right choices?
Do you keep them in a bubble till they move out? Do you just let them go as soon as they drive? When is the right time?
I've had my parenting questioned because my 20year old watches rated R and unrated movies. Not many unrated movies, he mainly watches shows that are on Adult Swim. While I hate those shows because they are crude cartoons that I think drag young kids in adult thought processes, I don't begrudge my 20yr old those shows. He is 20. While I am here to dig my heels in when it comes to drugs and drinking and things I don't approve of, I am not that stringent on what he watches. He is classified an adult. The only barriers from being equal to his dad at me are experiences and the ability to drink legally.
The one questioning me is actually the polar opposite of me she has a 17yr old that she pumps for information and doesn't trust as far as she could throw her. Mind you, her daughter, which happens to be my sons gf has never done anything that a lot of teenagers do like sneak out, drink, had sex or anything that would make a parent cringe other than voice her opinion on things.
IMO when you hold on too closely you miss the opportunity to allow your child to grow and experience life. If you hold on till they leave then you miss prime opportunity to mentor your child. You show lack of faith in God and in your child.
I love my children with all my heart but when someone questions my intelligence, my character or my children when they have given no provocation for such, it enrages me. It grieves me. It puts me in a quandary as to the intelligence of someone who felt the need to dig through private business to decide that the person that they once called about because he wasn't moving fast enough for their taste is now some lowlife pervert.
While I don't expect anyone to get this post(If anyone ever read it) I do thank God that I am allowed to voice my opinion in this manner so I can think things through.
At what point do you trust your kid to make the right choices?
Do you keep them in a bubble till they move out? Do you just let them go as soon as they drive? When is the right time?
I've had my parenting questioned because my 20year old watches rated R and unrated movies. Not many unrated movies, he mainly watches shows that are on Adult Swim. While I hate those shows because they are crude cartoons that I think drag young kids in adult thought processes, I don't begrudge my 20yr old those shows. He is 20. While I am here to dig my heels in when it comes to drugs and drinking and things I don't approve of, I am not that stringent on what he watches. He is classified an adult. The only barriers from being equal to his dad at me are experiences and the ability to drink legally.
The one questioning me is actually the polar opposite of me she has a 17yr old that she pumps for information and doesn't trust as far as she could throw her. Mind you, her daughter, which happens to be my sons gf has never done anything that a lot of teenagers do like sneak out, drink, had sex or anything that would make a parent cringe other than voice her opinion on things.
IMO when you hold on too closely you miss the opportunity to allow your child to grow and experience life. If you hold on till they leave then you miss prime opportunity to mentor your child. You show lack of faith in God and in your child.
I love my children with all my heart but when someone questions my intelligence, my character or my children when they have given no provocation for such, it enrages me. It grieves me. It puts me in a quandary as to the intelligence of someone who felt the need to dig through private business to decide that the person that they once called about because he wasn't moving fast enough for their taste is now some lowlife pervert.
While I don't expect anyone to get this post(If anyone ever read it) I do thank God that I am allowed to voice my opinion in this manner so I can think things through.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Struggling
I have not been faithful posting here. My life being the train headed towards the derailment that it is, is just to insane. I don't know if mom or one of the kids will be calling me away or side tracking me.
I need to confess. I try to walk the walk when it comes to dealing with my family but I feel like I am loosing it. My husband can't figure out why I cry so much but I hear him gripe about my mother, my mother gripes about everything while sitting on her throne chain smoking.
To help level me out I need silence, mom on the other hand has to have background noise on all the time. I try to follow the commandments but she makes it hard. "Honor thy mother and thy father.''
Well mom makes sure that I earn that badge. She won't be quiet, she won't be nice and she chain smokes. I am allergic to smoke so that makes her smoke more.
Last year when she was going through the cancer I was the one that would get up at 3 or 4 to take her to MD Anderson. I would get home by 11 if I was lucky. The next day I would look like the zombie that I felt like at work.
My sister took her a couple of times when I forced the issue but taking care of an elderly parent is hard. I uprooted my family to move in to take care of her and help her, financially and medically. I just wish she could appreciate the sacrifice that Chris and I have made to help her.
I dream of having my own home, a space where everyone could spread out and a place where I can sit on a couch and talk on the phone. Not hide in the bathroom just trying to hold a conversation. We are paying off debt but its slow because as soon as we pay something off hubs has to charge something.
I guess I am writing today to get out some of my frustration, sadness and general downer mood.
Lord help me find joy again.
I need to confess. I try to walk the walk when it comes to dealing with my family but I feel like I am loosing it. My husband can't figure out why I cry so much but I hear him gripe about my mother, my mother gripes about everything while sitting on her throne chain smoking.
To help level me out I need silence, mom on the other hand has to have background noise on all the time. I try to follow the commandments but she makes it hard. "Honor thy mother and thy father.''
Well mom makes sure that I earn that badge. She won't be quiet, she won't be nice and she chain smokes. I am allergic to smoke so that makes her smoke more.
Last year when she was going through the cancer I was the one that would get up at 3 or 4 to take her to MD Anderson. I would get home by 11 if I was lucky. The next day I would look like the zombie that I felt like at work.
My sister took her a couple of times when I forced the issue but taking care of an elderly parent is hard. I uprooted my family to move in to take care of her and help her, financially and medically. I just wish she could appreciate the sacrifice that Chris and I have made to help her.
I dream of having my own home, a space where everyone could spread out and a place where I can sit on a couch and talk on the phone. Not hide in the bathroom just trying to hold a conversation. We are paying off debt but its slow because as soon as we pay something off hubs has to charge something.
I guess I am writing today to get out some of my frustration, sadness and general downer mood.
Lord help me find joy again.
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