Today I am facing the fact that life is not perfect.

God shows me little things I need to understand the grand scheme of my life. I will never be a raving beauty, a winner or much of a success.
My husband lost his job, I am going to be a grandmother way to early, I will never be able to leave my mother alone for any extended period of time due to her health problems, I am also anxiety ridden, I will never be the skinny mini I once was either.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO, where does this leave me?

It leaves me a solid marriage of 20 years. No matter where my body parts might sag or otherwise, my husband thinks that I am a raving beauty(Did I mention he has a cataract in one eye?) We don't have any bills that his unemployment won't cover. I wish I could have waited a few years to be a grandmother but I find myself excited at the prospect. If only the other (grand)parents would relax and realize that God is in control.
I am praying that my son's actions make my daughters (18 and 12) realize this is NOT the preferred way to go. My son is 20, I am proud that he wants to take his part with this child and not let her parents push him away.

Am I the model of the perfect parent? Are you kidding me? No! I did my best as all parents do. I did my best to try to prepare them for the real world. I didn't control every move they made or every interaction they had because its not healthy and it doesn't teach them. I did, however, try to instill in them that they are to be a light in a dark world. They are to glorify God in everything they do. They are like me, they are sinners and I realize they have to see the world for themselves before they can truly understand the gift of Gods grace. I don't want the actions of some people I respected in the church to disillusion them about God or the church in general. That worries me a lot. My son is 20, if he doesn't fall he won't see who is there when the dust settles. I get that part but its so hard to see and not fix.

I always thought that 20years down the road I would have children going to the college of their choice and full ride scholarships to help them, we would have our lovely 4/2 on a 5 acre sprawl.
Not where I am now. Living with my mother because she can't afford to live on her own and she had the bigger house, a son in college with a girlfriend thats pregnant, daughter about to head to college in the local town because we can't afford the 90k it costs to go to that college, currently no funds coming in wondering what the next week holds in store for us.


Yep, life isn't perfect thats for sure.

Things to Ponder

Certain thoughts keep me up at night. I have 3 kids ranging from 20 to 12.

At what point do you trust your kid to make the right choices?

Do you keep them in a bubble till they move out? Do you just let them go as soon as they drive? When is the right time?

I've had my parenting questioned because my 20year old watches rated R and unrated movies. Not many unrated movies, he mainly watches shows that are on Adult Swim. While I hate those shows because they are crude cartoons that I think drag young kids in adult thought processes, I don't begrudge my 20yr old those shows. He is 20. While I am here to dig my heels in when it comes to drugs and drinking and things I don't approve of, I am not that stringent on what he watches. He is classified an adult. The only barriers from being equal to his dad at me are experiences and the ability to drink legally.

The one questioning me is actually the polar opposite of me she has a 17yr old that she pumps for information and doesn't trust as far as she could throw her. Mind you, her daughter, which happens to be my sons gf has never done anything that a lot of teenagers do like sneak out, drink, had sex or anything that would make a parent cringe other than voice her opinion on things.

IMO when you hold on too closely you miss the opportunity to allow your child to grow and experience life. If you hold on till they leave then you miss prime opportunity to mentor your child. You show lack of faith in God and in your child.

I love my children with all my heart but when someone questions my intelligence, my character or my children when they have given no provocation for such, it enrages me. It grieves me. It puts me in a quandary as to the intelligence of someone who felt the need to dig through private business to decide that the person that they once called about because he wasn't moving fast enough for their taste is now some lowlife pervert.

While I don't expect anyone to get this post(If anyone ever read it) I do thank God that I am allowed to voice my opinion in this manner so I can think things through.

Struggling

I have not been faithful posting here. My life being the train headed towards the derailment that it is, is just to insane. I don't know if mom or one of the kids will be calling me away or side tracking me.

I need to confess. I try to walk the walk when it comes to dealing with my family but I feel like I am loosing it. My husband can't figure out why I cry so much but I hear him gripe about my mother, my mother gripes about everything while sitting on her throne chain smoking.

To help level me out I need silence, mom on the other hand has to have background noise on all the time. I try to follow the commandments but she makes it hard. "Honor thy mother and thy father.''
Well mom makes sure that I earn that badge. She won't be quiet, she won't be nice and she chain smokes. I am allergic to smoke so that makes her smoke more.

Last year when she was going through the cancer I was the one that would get up at 3 or 4 to take her to MD Anderson. I would get home by 11 if I was lucky. The next day I would look like the zombie that I felt like at work.

My sister took her a couple of times when I forced the issue but taking care of an elderly parent is hard. I uprooted my family to move in to take care of her and help her, financially and medically. I just wish she could appreciate the sacrifice that Chris and I have made to help her.

I dream of having my own home, a space where everyone could spread out and a place where I can sit on a couch and talk on the phone. Not hide in the bathroom just trying to hold a conversation. We are paying off debt but its slow because as soon as we pay something off hubs has to charge something.

I guess I am writing today to get out some of my frustration, sadness and general downer mood.

Lord help me find joy again.

And on to round 2

Tomorrow is the second round of chemo. I'm thankful(Kind of) that hubs is off and drive.
The plan is while mom is getting chemo that I am going to ask some pointed questions to the stylist tomorrow as to what to do with her head. She shaved her head yesterday. It was harder on my husband(He is the one that shaved it.) and on me than it was her.
She's been out and about, I think she thinks is a novel thing. I don't know why but thats just my mother.

Who can figure her out? I certainly can't.

My sister called today to ask how mom was and we got on a discussion. It was about moms anger. We have 2 schools of thought. I think its ok for mom to be mad but not to take it out on everyone. My sister does think its ok that she unleashes her fury on whoever is within earshot.
My sister says she is a Christian but her beliefs are so skewed she is more of a spiritualist.
Don't even get me started....

At least with pagans you know where they stand...

My day off wasn't so 'off'

I had all these wonderful ideas for my day off. A good portion of it was going to be at home in my PJ's. Right after I posted my last post, I went to start my load of laundry and voila, there was a load already in there. I turned that back on and I figured I would start cleaning. I headed in that direction and my mother gets a call. The nurse is coming early. I told her if they didn't need me I would just hide out in my room. (After all PJ's are old and ratty, my hair looks like a red and blond version of a bad hair day for Don King) and the girls are not in a bra...lovely picture, I know.) I get in the room and start cleaning, I hear the nurse come a short time later and so I get kind of quiet. I get a knock on my door and its mom saying she needs me to come out so the nurse can show me how to work the gizmo that mom has to be hooked up too.
Great... I trudge out there and the nurse looks at me funny and I just smile like a goober. I just figure I might as well look like I have a wonderful attitude but honestly, my day was so far not panning out and I was starting to get a little irritated.
While the nurse is explaining this gizmo that she is having a hard time understanding herself the phone rings. I go and answer it and its my 11yr old 'Mom, my flipflop broke I need you to bring me some shoes.'

Flipflops and I have a love/hate relationship, I love the convenience of them but they don't like me half the time. One time I was in the youth pastors office and I was helping him move a couch,
my flipflop broke, it was the 3rd pair I had killed in 2 weeks, I blurted out 'Apparently, I was not placed on the planet to wear thongs!' The youth pastor turned blood red and walked out of the room. I had forgotten that he was quite a bit younger than me so the thong I was lamenting over and the one he was thinking about were 2 totally different things... Then it was my turn to turn blood red. The yelled at the secretary who, thankfully, was older than me. "Sharron, what were flipflops called in the 70s?'' She answered ''Thongs!'' whew. He loved that story, there is not a person that he knows that he doesn't tell that story too. He told it at a youth concert, he told it to our pastor, he told it to his mom and dad, my mom...you get the picture.

Back to the story...I told my 11yr old she would have to wait till after the nurse left and then I would be right up there. In my mind I wonder if I can salvage the day. I think while I'm out I'll just stop by my friends shop and return a book. The nurse finally gets ready to leave, she hasn't shown us what we need to do if there is a leak or if air starts going crazy or anything but she is leaving.
She walks out the door, I jump in the shower as soon as I get out mom is there telling me that her hair is falling out(due to chemo) and she wants it shaved. I told her we would get to it when we could. (I don't think I can do it because as much as the woman makes me crazy and is a cantankerous old bat, she is still my mother and for her to loose her hair brings a lump to my throat.) I get ready and get my 11yr olds pair of flipflops and 1pair of tennis shoes and socks.
I get up to school and they call her to the office and I go out in to the hall and wait for her, she comes beeboping down and is happy to see me, I get my hug and kiss and she gets the 2 pair of shoes.

I go to my friends shop and I realize I left the book at the house. We laugh it off and chat a while and do a project. Once I'm done I head home to at least get laundry going. Transferred the mystery load and started my first load and think about dinner, realizing my day is officially shot
I grab a bite for lunch and think that I got absolutely nothing accomplished to completion today.
Tomorrow I work on getting a concealed handgun license, the butterflies start to bloom in my stomach.....

A day off

I actually have a day off, what to do, what to do, what to do?
Actually, I'll be doing some cleaning today, laundry, bathroom, bedroom at least.

My mother has home health care coming out today to attach a gizmo to her stomach where she has an open wound. I gotta tell you, I've been cleaning it and its nasty, we all call it her 'second belly button' or 'the big gaping hole'.
Mom is going for her second round of chemo on Tuesday. I can't believe its been over a month since her surgery. They removed her ovaries which were the size of a football and a grapefruit.
Luckily the cancer didn't spread too far. Just a few spots to cut out.
The chemo is already starting to affect an already skinny person. She is getting to skinny for her size 2 pants. Her hair is starting to fall out although I'm not sure if it is nerves or not. She looks like a half starved chicken. Nothing but hanging skin and bones. I guess we will find out whats going on with her weight when we see the doctor.

She is insistent that we do the Relay for Life walk so she can do the survivor walk. So we are going for opening ceremonies.

Now on to fun stuff, my 17yr old is going to prom with her boyfriend. He is driving in 5 hours from college to take her. She got a ruby red dress to go with her ruby red shoes and she is set.
My 19yr old still doesn't have his tux and I have got to get his Sr. pictures in order to mail out in 2 weeks. (My wallet has a vacuum attachment...)

The fun of being in the sandwich generation.